About a week ago after talking with my estranged and wayward spouse, I had what many alcoholics call "A moment of clarity..." First, a re-cap of the discussion.He called me because in these recent months for some odd reason when I call him, his phone either does not ring or he magically goes deaf and did not hear it ring. Interesting how selective hearing works...still...during the conversation, he asked me a rather telling question...had I seen the new Star Trek movie yet.
It seems simple, I AM a huge Star Trek fan. I've seen every movie on opening night, with the exception of maybe 2. I have done conventions, I've dressed as characters and I even helped organize and run a convention. I am definitely a fan. The question is ligitimate, normal and what someone would expect from a friend and fellow fan. However, coming from my husband it just annoyed me and I didn't immediately understand why...until...the moment of clarity.
My husband can drop things at a moment's notice and go to the movies. He can go out to dinner either early or late. He can run off to the beach, take bike rides, do whatever he wants. It's right there on the Animal House poster, "We can do anything we want. We're college students!" While my husband would probably never pledge a fraternity, he would fit in with the Animal House crowd, most likely resembling the character 'Flounder.' What I realized in his question was a lot of ignoring the facts that influence my life...primarily the little person I am raising...our son.
None of the characters in Animal House have children, for good reason. They were drinking all the time, partying, letting their grades go into the toilet, being rebellious, and focused on having just a good time. College is great for that...but there comes a time when one hopes another grows up.
I was watching 'Daisy of Love', why, I have no idea, but it features a really dippy blond chick from 'Rock of Love' with her own dating show. Just like how New York got her own show after Flava-Flav dissed her on 'Flavor of Love'...but to the point. A guy trying to date Daisy admitted to her that he was married for 8 years. He was now divorced and partying, earning just enough money to put gas in his boat, get drunk, and party. He said his marriage died because "She grew up and I didn't." I think this is also the issue with my marriage.
My husband is content to sleep on the floor, be a slob and run around without responsibility, despite the fact that he has a child. Our child also has gone through some serious health issues. I have the imperssion that my husband ignores these responsibilites because he rarely asks about our child. He asked me if I've seen the new Trek film but not about any future medical issues for our child. He ignores the fact that for me to go see any movie, our child needs a babysitter. I can't drop and run to do anything...he can, including visiting his girlfriend on his terms. He is oblivious to the responsibilities it takes to raise a child...and is not trying to learn or understand them. I get the real feeling from him that if he could snap his fingers and transport us (me and him and our tattered relationship) back to the days during and right after college, he would. It was a happy time for him.
When I demanded a more grown up relationship, that's when our troubles began. He is happy with stagnation, I am not. I am enjoying the journey of raising my child...hard as it is, it is worth every struggle. My husband is resisting any and everything that isn't initiated by him. Growing up isn't something he wishes to do so he has refused and continues to be that forever college student. That is his choice but I am amazed by people who do this. It benefits them in some way and it is there choice.
