Mars, the 7 sisters and Orion's belt

I was walking out of my mother's house the other night, following my sister, when I noticed her looking towards the heavens. She pointed up and commented about a cluster of stars, then asked me if that was Orion's Belt.

I was not sure. I'm still not sure. Since we both like stargazing we watched the twinkling white lights for a bit.

Remembering that Orion's Belt had about 3 stars, she said we probably had found that constalation. I still was not sure, so she asked about the Seven Sisters. I was not sure if I was seeing them or not. There was a time when I instantly recognized the stars in the skies but lately, I have not had reasons to look. It is a habit I realized I lost but I think it may be time to start looking again. There is something powerful and peaceful about looking at the stars and realizing we are not so grand as the universe. Looking at all that space makes me feel small but it also diminishes my problems in life.

As we continued to look, I noticed a twinkle I am certain I've seen before. One of the stars in the sky did not twinkle white, it twinkled red. I realized the red light is most likely the planet Mars. I pointed it out to my sister. She said she had never noticed the red light before but was happy to hear that it was a planet...something she had never seen before.

That knowledge was not knowledge I obtained in my own investigations about the heavens, it came from my husband. It was something we shared...a love for the night sky and stargazing. He would point out Mars to me regularly. He would map the flight of the International Space Station and excitedly take me out into the cold, night air, anxious to see a flash of light streak across the sky. A very TINY streak of light...but in that light was the proof that man had actually placed something in outer space. It is one thing to see a launch or to see a spacecraft on the ground. It is entirely another issue to see a streak that you know was put there by man. I have to say those nights were amazing bonding moments...at least for me.

It was nice to share this with my husband but as with any relationship that is falling apart, he gradually decided to enjoy those moments alone. He gradually cut me out of his moments of fun and enjoyment. This was long before the fighting, long before the hurt feelings and long before he decided the best course of action for himself was to abandon his wife and kid.

I talked to my sister about this, she asked what anyone would ask..."Did you ever ask him why he didn't want to share that with you anymore?" "Oh, only about 1,000 times...he never gave me a clear, satisfactory answer." I have concluded that what someone told me long ago is most likely true, "He just fell out of love..."

The Feast of All Saints

I've seen bits and pieces of this film before and it has always made me want to watch more, but I hesitated. The movie "The Feast of All Saints" plays like it should be a classic novel, maybe it will be one day. It was written by Anne Rice, best known for creating the vampire named Lestat and writing "Interview with the Vampire." I never expected a white woman known for interesting vampire fiction to have such a grasp on the history of the gens de couleur libre. That translates to "the free people of color," a term that is pretty self-explanatory. The twist comes from the location of these free colored people, the good city of New Orleans.

Something many do not know is that because New Orleans was once the property of France, many French cultures still exist there today. New Orleans also had the reputation of being less harsh on slaves because, for whatever reasons, French men had fewer problems with finding beauty in darker women. This was a gift in a way and a curse in others.

These French men were also influenced by other white men in America and although the black women they loved could find themselves "kept," this choice was still basically a one of a whore. The movie explores these relationships between white men, their black mistresses, and the children of these affairs. The twist comes with the women who are still considered black but have skin so fair that many could pass for white. The white men considered it a grand prize to have a black woman who could "pass." Having her would be a better prize than having a white woman...well, at least in secret. No matter how prized she is, she was still black and therefore never respectable enough to be his wife...but his desire for her would make him do whatever he needed to "purchase" her loyalty. If she could not be bought, he may take her anyway...that's the way it worked.

The film explores how while many slaves may not have been beaten to death like in the deep south, they still lost their souls by being forced to do things to survive. The fair black women, given a taste of a good life, could not resort to washing and mending clothing and keep their high standards. Also, many had been living such a life since they were young girls, it was all they knew.

The story told in this movie is touching and annoying. It made me think of my very fair black son. In the film, the fair son was treated fantastic while his fair-skinned sister (born into slavery) was treated as a slave and remained in service until she killed herself. The boy could see the life draining from his sister but had no power to free her. The main thing put forth in this story was, no matter how fair these free people were, they were still people of color...as is my son. The movie strikes a deep cord with me because looking at my skin, I would have been desirable by many white men...not because I could pass, I can not, but the cafe au lait skin was the attraction.

When I hear people say our president is biracial (which is true) but then deny his African American heritage, it makes me angry. A film like this reminds me that white people were willing to remind us all the time that no matter how light we got, we were still black. I feel that continues to apply today, for me, my son and definitely for our President.

Selfish

For those of you who read this blog, you already know of some of my trials and tribulations in regards to ending my marriage. It has not been an easy road and it is not done yet. However, a certain second party in this dissolution suddenly feels the need to end it all. There is a sudden imperative urge to dump the wife (that being me) and bring in the new meat (that being the girlfriend).

Of course there is the claim that the divorce is just needed and it is not so this person can run off into the sunset with the new prize. This is an effort to help me, this is for my benefit, this is his heart finally realizing that avoiding the divorce for years is actually emotionally detrimental and out of the goodness of his heart, now is the perfect time to end the marriage...not about 5 years ago when he left his pregnant wife and constantly said he would return. Not even as recently as a couple years ago when he did move back only to plan another escape and not inform his wife. Now is the perfect time because he fears losing custody of the son he tends to ignore and neglect and losing the girlfriend who, after two years in that role, is tired of waiting for him to marry her.

While it is obvious to be rid of this man as a husband is totally a blessing, his sudden urgency is a moot and annoying point. I have so many other major issues in life: the health of my child, my own personal health, a stressful job, preparing my son for kindergarten...why NOW does he want to throw in divorce/child custody. It's an answer as simple as one word...selfishness.

This tactic of explaining how his act will benefit me is tried, true and very old. I know others have seen people do this but pull aside the curtain and you will reveal the truth...the so-called charitable act is really a selfish move by that other person. He has felt no charity for the past 5 years and now, most likely at the arm-twisting of an impending new spouse, he wants to grant me a "gift" of divorce. He claims this is between just us but the reality of the situation is there is a third interested party that he is trying to distract me from. I am supposed to pretend this woman does not exist, that she is not emotionally invested in trying to land my husband as her's, and I am supposed to ignore the bad effects both of their selfish attitudes have on my son...who I have been raising, alone, for the past several years while he pursues this new wife material.

Selfishness is a peculiar situation. It amazes me how another person can care so little about others and only act to satisfy their own needs...and sometimes even convince themselves that the act is for the benefit of the other person. The best advice I can give anyone is this, do not have a child with a person that you know will only act in his/her own best interest. That selfishness will eventually hurt the child you love and the other person will move on with little or no cares about the pain he/she has inflicted on you or your child.

Classmate

I have no explanation for why a particular former classmate has jumped from my memory into my present thoughts. I could understand such a leap if the classmate was a good friend but this girl was just the opposite. I have no fond memories of this girl at all and when I remember her, I wish I knew her full name so I could try and find her and just let her know how I feel. Of course, she probably does not remember me at all...that's the nature of such matters. She was very mean-spirited towards me and now she probably has no memory of these actions. I will carry those memories forever and I just wish I could let her know that her actions were unnecessary. If she did not like me, she could have just said it and that way I would have known to ignore her pseudo-friendliness.

But being honest and just saying, "I don't like you," is rarely the actions taken by a person who is hostile. What happens is, the person feeling the hostility is left to wonder what he/she has done to bring this hostility out. The other person seems to be, appears to be, a normal, rational human being and besides, "I" have done nothing to make this person made at me. Au contraire...yes you have if you look closer and examine the situation.

This girl who could not stand me (it was so obvious that other classmates asked what had happened between us) had her reasons to not liking me but they stemmed from a place that had nothing to do with me personally. Looking at her background...this girl grew up in a suburb, she is white, lived a very easy life as far as material possessions go and something I think I just realized is, she may have been very cliquey. You know the type...I'm in the clique, you aren't good enough to be in the clique so I'm going to be a bitch to you because I'm better than you. Also, this girl had never been around many black people...that has to factor in because living in the Mid-West, it ALWAYS factors in when speaking about petite, suburban white girls...especially the ones with blue eyes and blond hair.

I still remember the moment when I realized this girl was being evil towards me and I had done nothing to warrant the treatment. We were placed on a group project for college, me and two other suburban girls. THEY decided that we would meet at one of THEIR houses (they lived in the same neighborhood)...I would have to drive WAY out of my way for these meetings. THEY refused to meet on campus. When I went to study, this girl shot down every idea, thought, comment I gave to contribute to our so-called collaboration. So, the deal was, this girl and the other girl arranged the meeting times, place and all the work then planned on just telling me what I could/should do.

At the time, I was just totally put off by the situation. Today, I would have asked my teacher if I could change groups. If that did not work, I would have requested a change within the group. I realize now that this girl was hostile towards me because she is probably a racist. This black person did not know and would not stay in her place. This girl was definitely elitest...coming from the suburbs she felt this 'ghetto chick' was not an equal. On another level, she probably has low self-esteem because in my own way, I am very blunt and out-spoken at times.

The thing I am very proud of about this situation is that I did not quietly take that abuse. I rejected the two girls and studied on my own. I refused to drive to their neighborhoods because I honestly was not certain if my car would consistently make it home. This girl said, "You made it the first time." I replied, "If I don't make it another time, are YOU going to drive me home?" She refused by then attempted to destroy my credibility within our group. She planned a full group meeting, there were about 9 people in the total group, we were just a dysfunctional trio. She called me, did NOT give the whole information that this was a full group meeting and NOT just the dysfunctional trio so I refused to meet. This, of course, put a negative image on me to the group. But when I discovered it was a full group meeting, I made it clear that this girl did NOT tell me the importance of the meeting.

Still, I had the last laugh...I got a great grade on the project.

Thinking now, I think I know why she came to mind...there is a woman I met about a year ago and have kept in contact with. I could not for the life of me remember where I had met this girl. She was in my group on this group project...not the girl I have been speaking of, but a very nice woman who I remember being very nice. I had been trying to remember where I met her and I guess when you dig through old memories to find a good one, the crap pops to the surface as well.

Historic!

It's official, said and done! Barack Hussein Obama is now in charge of the United States of America. What an amazing, historic and inspirational moment in my life. As amazed and proud as I am, I can not imagine the feelings of those African Americans who lived through so much hardship.

My mom has said many times she never thought she would live long enough to see this day. I never pondered it that closely. I saw the images of the Civil Rights Movement on newsreels, in history books and in films re-creating those times. My mother lived through that era. She saw the images on the news. Growing up in a tiny town in Arkansas, she knew her place and did not dare challenge the status quo. African Americans were expected to be in certain places at certain times, meaning, she had better not be in a white section of town after nightfall. She better not talk to a white person unless he/she spoke to her first. She had to pick their cotton beginning from the wee hours of the morning and going on until nightfall. Picking cotton is back-breaking work and I freely admit I feel blessed to have never had this task.

Now, for the next four years, when an announcer says, "Here is a message from OUR president." A black man will take the podium. That knowledge makes me feel...finally...like I am really a part of this nation. There is a man in charge who has felt that sting of racism personally. He has seen the poor treatment of people of color but also the rejection of the poor. He has worked to help eradicate poverty and encourages us all to pull ourselves up. Not like Ronald Reagan when he said pull yourself up then cut programs to help. I believe Barack Obama will give us the methods to pull ourselves from the trenches.

The cheers, the support, the tears all say something positive...we believe in the hope and change Barack Obama has promised. Getting that support is half the battle. If the people want Congress to support our new president, we have the power to create change with our president.

As I watched Obama, I also marveled at the diversity on the stage. There were faces of all colors and some religions other than Christian. This was clearly seen during the musical number. Yo Yo Ma performed on cello, Anthony McGill on clarinet, Gabriela Montero on piano and Itzhak Perlman on violin. Ma is Chinese, McGill is black, Montero is a woman and Perlman is not only Jewish but also physically disabled. People may think these choices are random but they never are in such a situation. The image of diversity in that moment reflects what Obama has said all along, we all are equal.

Looking forward, I imagine a day when a Chinese person could be president. The changes to the inauguration would be fantastic. I think, how would a Jew change the ceremonies? Would a Latino call the event the inauguration fiesta? Would a Native American have the biggest Pow-Wow imaginable? Many other races live in America and we all have different customs deserving respect. This day opens the door to the real possibility that one day, the inauguration may have lion dancers, dragons, fireworks and could resemble a Lunar New Year event. This event may one day feature Folkloric dancers, or native drums. One day, there may be Polynesian dance and roasted pig. Our country is a diverse place and until today, that diversity was not well reflected in Washington DC. Change has truly come to America.

Coordination...

When your child's primary doctor gives you a special number for appointments, etc., you really have to ask yourself, "Is my kid REALLY that sick?"

What I've discovered is that your kid does not have to be "that sick" but only has to have the potential to be that sick. As I reflect this week on John Travolta's loss (I realize that sounds silly, I do not know him or his child), I think about the terrible sadness he is going through. He probably had a special number for his son too, since the child had a chronic illness.

Jett Travolta had Kawasaki disease and that led to his death. As people speculate about whether John Travolta held his son as the child died, or did he give CPR until the paramedics arrived or was it his fault that the child died because of Scientology, none of that changes the fact that this man is grieving over a terrible loss. I can not imagine how he feels and it brings to mind worries over my own son.

He looks healthy, he plays, he attends school regularly. He has the occasional colds and bumps and scrapes from rough housing. He is, for the most part, a typical boy...but so was Jett Travolta. How a kid can look "normal" and happy and have something inside him that can kill is amazing.

This also brings to mind my friend's child. He looks normal and healthy too, but also survived 7 brain operations. You would never know unless you shaved the boy's head.

Which brings me to the issue of coordination. To say it is over whelming to coordinate medical appointments, school, fun family time and sanity time for myself is an under statement. Even with the medical problems you can not forget this is a child with the same desires for play and fun as any other child. It is a challenge in organization to say the least.

So as I prepare my son for various medical tests, I can only hope and pray that his problems will be healed and he will go on to have a happy, long life. People with healthy children have no clue the emotional rollercoaster we ride working to keep our children healthy.

Who is the real fighting opponent?

Have you ever been in a fight with your ex only to discover part-way through the "negotiations" that you really are not fighting with your ex. There is an invisible opponent hovering over you both and the fight is really with that specter, not the ex.

That invisible person is the new "plus-one" in your ex's life and the demands and dictates of that person are coming out of your ex's mouth. This reality brings a whole new level of fighting to the forefront. Now, you are not only confronting the ex about the personal crap the two of you have lived, there is the added crap of the demands of a person you don't know and most likely don't like or respect. There is some invisible force fueling a fight you never wanted, intended or created...but the fight is here, you are in it and the person who caused it sits quietly and safely at their own home. This person is the one you are fighting and the person in front of you is simply a puppet.

I realize immediately that anyone who allows his or herself to be pulled and controlled like that by another is pretty pathetic but that does not stop such situations from happening. The new person in the ex's life tends to feel his/her needs and wants trump any of your needs and wants.

This situation creates a unique mine field to navigate. How do you fight a person who seems to have complete control over your ex, who in turn has the power to hurt your family, specifically your child. What do you do regarding a person who is pulling the strings of of your ex so well that your ex can ignore the love and adoration of a child in favor of satisfying the puppeteer? How do you deal with a woman who is so clearly selfish that she would weasel this weak individual into lying to his son for her own self gratification?

If all you know about a person is the horrible effects he/she has on another that you -must- deal with, how is it possible to have a positive view of this other person at all? That other person becomes nothing more than the enemy. The ex is a protective fool, blind to the facts that he/she has become nothing more than a delivery mechanism. He/she is delivering demands from the current bed companion to the ex, resulting in a fight that really should not be happening.

If this person were not behaving like a 'tool', there would be no fight. But in order to not be a tool, puppet or fight delivery mechanism, he/she has to buck up and tell the new buddy something simple...the old relationship is none of the new person's business. Of course, if the puppet could do that, the fight would have never happened in the first place...which means what for the person fighting the ghost?

Duran Duran still rules!

I remember when I became a Duran Duran fan. I was entering high school and heard the song "Girls on Film." It was a catchy song and I liked the opening drum beats. It was the early 80's.

Little did I know at the time that I would join the millions of girls worldwide as what affectionately became known as "Duranies." There was a time when I knew all their weights, heights, the order their songs played on an album, the album titles (including several imports) and the names of their pets and girlfriends. I had several buttons of them and I wore them all, all the time to the point that the buttons on my jacket actually weighed more than the jacket itself.

I've attended several concerts, even in their later years, and I just think they are great...still. As a true fan, I had a favorite; John Taylor. If you look at his photo, do you really have to ask why? He's over 6' tall, nicely built, has an award-winning smile, that square Superman-like chin, sleepy brown eyes and tons of musical talent. He is probably the most talented member of Duran Duran.

I have to admit, I haven't kept up with my group of choice in years but still, the love for them remains. Another blogger commented that the music of our youth stays with us through the years. What an insightful comment! It really does. The music brings back good and bad memories and emotions from years ago. The songs are more than just bouncy tunes that DJs of the past dismissed as rubbish. These were the songs and performers of our youth who spoke to us. Maybe not in such profound poetry as the performers of the 60s or 70s...well, really just the 60s (LOL!), but the songs were still meaningful.

When I hear "Save a Prayer" by Duran Duran, I do think of a passionate one-night stand but it also reminds me of the HIV/AIDS crisis of that time. "Hungry Like the Wolf" is the song that really endeared me to Duran Duran because Simon LeBon chases a black woman throughout the video. This was the first time I'd seen on film a white man driven crazy with passion for a black woman. She was the object of beauty and although she was presented as kind of an animal in the video, so was he.

It's somewhat laughable that their videos created such controversy at the time...well, "Girls on Film" WAS pretty fetish-filled. Still, Duran Duran was also underrated, just like many 80s bands and other performers...yes, Adam Ant too. The best thing about their declining fame is it appears it may be easier to meet them one day...finally!

Ant Music

Lately, memories of the 80's have been populating my thoughts, specifically about a young guy named Adam Ant.

I'd honestly forgotten just how much I adored this guy. OK, he dressed like a cross between a pirate and a Native American, bounced around stage like he had ants in his pants and sang lyrics that were not exactly poetic literature, but he was fun...and underrated.

For all his style and frolicking about, he did have hits and an amount of staying power that beat out other 80's performers. Looking back on that time, I would have placed money of Spandau Ballet to continue over Adam Ant. I liked quite a few performers but I was also very aware that the flash could easily disappear and take Adam along. Mr. Ant even spoke about that in the song "Goody Two Shoes." Never being a fan of the media, he warns, "Look out or they'll tell you you you're a superstar, Two weeks and you're an all-time legend, I think the game has gone much too far..."

What I find amazing, sitting here in my 40's, is that I totally expected to no longer be attracted to -any- 80's singers anymore. Alas, I was wrong. Adam Ant, even slightly heavier and bald is still a VERY sexy man. That goes double for Mr. John Taylor of Duran Duran. Even Thomas Dolby, who is being sold as a "one-hit wonder" these days on VH-1, is still pretty cute and sexy without hair and several years later.

But the best thing about this realization is, the ability to express it without a ridiculing comment from others nearby. For whatever reason, and an even more baffling thing that I tolerated it, my husband took great joy in insulting my musical tastes. Of course he claimed it was just joking but I know differently now. Jokes don't hurt feelings, they are supposed to be funny.

This goes back to acceptance. Although I loved Adam Ant with his outrageous look, my friends in the 80's accepted that from me. In fact, they expected me to be "in love" with the latest British Invasion performer wearing make-up and leather or ruffles. That was/is a part of my uniqueness and it is unfortunate that the man I married chose to mock this quality instead of embrace it...of course, this is partly why we are no longer together. I never asked him to like my music, just accept that I did.

Little initials + your name = smater than others

Lately, when people who know about my son's Autism diagnosis begin to drill me with questions, I've been giving the same reply. Here's an example of such a conversation.

Questioner: "How can they say he has Autism. Look at what he's doing now. That shows intelligence, imagination and he is NOT secluded in his own world."

My reply: "Because a person with little initials said it IS a symptom of Autism and because he/she has those little initials, he/she is smarter than we are. The little initials means that other person can slap a label on others, labels that can profoundly change the course of another person's life."

That response usually frustrates the questioner into silence. Then I have a thought of, welcome to MY world.

I would hope most parents never have to experience such a thing with their child...to have a person with a piece of paper telling you about your child's "defects". There is such a strange moment when you realize this person has concluded that your child will not do A, B, and C, and the child is destined for this, that and other things. The initialed person makes this conclusion usually in less time than the mother took to bring the kid into the world through labor.

So after you receive one of these life-altering diagnosis and you have repressed the feeling to run naked and screaming through fresh snow, then there is the learning. The initialed person may point you in a direction but he/she certainly won't take you by the hand and go there with you.

As a parent, you must take the initiative and be an advocate for your child. Never take what others say as your child's limits. Accept the child as-is but also have goals set. Help the child move forward because honestly, the kid has no idea what he/she can and cannot do. I think this is how so many handicapped children achieve things doctors said they never would.

Nothing is easy about this but nothing worth having is ever easy.

"Falling" in love

I've heard people say that dozens of times, "I fell in love..." I've probably said it a few times too but now I think the whole phrase is just inaccurate.

When people say that, I can only guess they really mean what they say. But look at the verb closer, the word "fell." It is the past-tense of "fall," meaning you are already in love. But when we say "fall/fell," what does that word mean?

Webster's Dictionary has several meanings for the word, including to suddenly go from an erect position involuntarily and to die in battle. But I am certain when people say they fell in love they mean to pass suddenly and passively into a state of body or mind or a new state or condition. That is the "official" definition of someone's statement, "I fell in love."

I tend to disagree because many times love is not sudden or passive. When we are seeking love, we intentionally move in that direction. It is a gradual journey that is neither sudden or passive.

To elaborate, a couple could be dating for years but never be in love. Many times this is because one or both in the union have decided the other has a quality that is somewhat intolerable. I do not mean something petty like the girl's hair is too long or the guy scratches himself too much. I mean things like, he or she does not want children and the other does. In a situation like this, people make a decision to NOT fall in love. They may love that person, but it is not the traditional sense of falling in love where you are just goofy for the other and ignore faults. Still, no amount of love will make such a couple commit and marry. They find themselves in a holding pattern until someone better comes along...kind of like in the film "When Harry met Sally..."

So, I believe when people go goofy for each other and actually fall in love, the act is really a decision. People see their partner's flaws but a choice is made to "live with it." That snoring is not so bad because she/he is so wonderful with everything else. The lack of romance is not so bad because he shows love in his own special way. Her clinging to me like wet linen is not so bad because that is just her way of saying she loves me. Would it not be fantastic if those flaws did not begin to grate on your nerves as the years go by. It is the rare couple indeed that does not experience this slow march from love to annoyance.

So I would argue with Webster's that "falling" in love is neither passive or sudden. We pick people we want to love then go about ignoring various flaws to help ourselves love that person. That is a deliberate decision and there is nothing sudden about it. But even such a beginning can create long-lasting and loving relationships. The collapse of a marriage happens, in some cases, when one or the other can no longer ignore flaws. A GREAT example of this is in the film "War of the Roses."

Loving another and committing to a life together can be a wonderful, fantastic feeling...but it is neither passive, nor sudden. Even the so-called "whirlwind romance" is deliberate and planned...to a certain extend. But when love dies, especially for only one-half of the union, it is hard to believe/understand what you did to kill the love in the other person. The simple answer is you did nothing. The other person moved away and in many cases you did not push. You were being you while she/he realized your so-called "flaws" were too much to handle.

Judging Autism

After receiving the diagnosis of Autism for my son, I guess I am becoming less tolerant of the judging stares people give. I saw a documentary on Autism and it appears many other parents feel that same sting of judgment.

When others see a child of school age in a pull-up, the assumption is that the mother and father are doing nothing to toilet train the child. People assume the child is running the home and the parents just are not taking control of the issue. I've heard I should just find an older "grandma" type of care provider...oh yes, make sure she's Black...and my son will be potty trained in a day. Or, just throw away or give away all the pull ups and VOILA! He will go to the potty when he decides he does not like the mess on his body.

These ideas may work for a child who is not Autistic but not always on the Autistic child. For whatever reasons, an Autistic child will have a meltdown instead of associating the discomfort with not using the toilet. The last thing you want to do is created an avoidance of the toilet.

Toilet training for an Autistic child is so difficult that there are books on the subject. Still, the most annoying part of any of this is the judging eyes from others, even children. Kids are told to be a "big boy/girl," they have to use the potty. An Autistic child will not respond to this source of shame. Autistic kids just do not care about that big boy/girl issue.

What people do not understand is Autism, to the untrained eye, is a hidden disability. Unless you recognize symptoms, the average person just sees a child throwing tantrums for no reason. There is a reason, we may not know it, but there is a reason.

The frustration an Autistic child feels when he/she can not communicate is very real can drive them to react with a tantrum. With Autism reaching epidemic levels, people really should learn the symptoms of this disability instead of passing judgment on parents.

Clarification

After taking another look at my recent post, I concluded that some, erroneously so, may conclude I have some race issues. Quite the contrary. Some of my best friends are white women...just not the type of white woman who has ever used crying as a manipulative tool...well, at least not in front of me.

Let's face it, any woman can use tears to get her way depending on the situation and the target of the manipulation. It becomes ugly when she uses it regularly and feigns weakness in the process but her true intentions are to control the situation. When one pretends to be weak but is actually taking a position of power, that's called passive-aggression.

According to WebMD, passive aggression is "apparently compliant behavior, with intrinsic obstructive or stubborn qualities, to cover deeply felt aggressive feelings that cannot be more directly expressed."

I have seen women cry, pretend to comply with whatever made them cry, then turn around and do whatever it takes to obstruct what they just agreed with. This usually comes with an attack that if that other person had just been nicer, she would have tried harder. We know that claim is BS but hey, what cha' gonna do? Such a person is so wrapped up in herself that when she does not get her way because YOU had the nerve to need/want something, it is YOUR fault when SHE messes things up for you.

This behavior is not limited to white women, of course not. Anyone can be passive aggressive. Speaking from personal experience (and what other experience would I have? :) ) no sane person deserves to be romantically involved with a passive aggressive "partner."

One first observance is, he/she will never be your partner, not in a true sense of the word. While you blissfully walk through life believing he/she is by your side, that person is plotting ways to NOT cooperate. But wait you say, he/she said it was a great idea. You are fantastic for thinking of that vacation, that outing, that party at the house. It appears to be moving well until the time comes for the event and then your "partner" suddenly has this or that to do. The idea is still great but he/she suddenly has to get the car washed or any other obscure task to avoid the event. If you press the issue, suddenly this is YOUR fault because he/she was simply trying to make you happy by complying. Resentment builds in this "partner" until he/she feels justified in attacking you in various emotional ways.

However, I would never ask someone to simply take my word for this existing. MedlinePlus has a list of symptoms of passive aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, many look very familiar.

This sounds crazy, and at one time this condition was listed as a mental disorder, but these people know what they are doing. I'd like to think people who are mentally ill are somewhat clueless about their behaviors. I think passive aggressive people are clearly aware of their behavior and its effects. They spend so much time pretending to comply and avoiding the truth while simultaneously sabotaging everyone else that they have to be aware of the damage. This is why they are so adept at "acting sullen." If they jumped for joy after creating havoc, people would see their true nature and avoid them like the plague.

White women, Black women

I had a talk with various influential people in my life about a subject that I pretty much knew the answer to already. The conversation came up out of curiosity and general annoyance with men...well, some men anyway. The subject is simple on the surface but infinitely complicated if examined...white women and black women in our society. The question was deceptively simple, "Why do men, ALL men, tend to treat white women better than black women?"

My very wise informer said it was a hold over from slavery. Basically, black women were sex objects and got used. Black women were impregnated by men, both white and black, then left to raise children alone. White men were usually their owners so the black woman had no say in the sexual encounter in many cases. Sometimes sex was mutually desired but if the woman was a slave, she raised biracial children alone. In some cases, a black man would impregnate the black women because that was his "job." In a slave marriage, a black man could be sold. The result was the same, the black woman was alone with children fending for herself.

By contrast the white woman was seen as the ultimate jewel. She was a beautiful thing to behold and should be cared for and loved. She has the luxury of depending on a man to care for her, keep her from harm and when she falls, he (whether black or white) is there to help her up.

Still, when confronted with conflict, problems and challenges, the white woman will turn to her master weapon of manipulation...tears. Why do white women, many affluent white women, fall into a quivering, shaking ball of manipulative tears or bawling at the slightest sign of a problem? The tears can be followed by many other manipulative devices; guilt, sex (either giving or withholding), silent treatment, which ever tool works best. These tools (with sex being a possible regular exception) are used on both men and women regardless of race. But why? Because it works! Men will fall all over themselves to help a crying white woman while turning a deaf ear to the wails of a black woman.

Other white women, I think in recognition of the tools' use, will flock to the aid of their manipulative comrade while many black women sit back and wait for the knife to their backs. Once a white woman's tears fall, the black woman can expect to be thrown under the bumper of a fast moving bus. This is the sentiment of another blogger I've read...another black woman who isn't exactly thrilled by white women tears.

I thought about that image and said it is a very sad fact that American culture has accepted the devaluation of a group of women based just on color. I am amazed that any man would look at brown skin and determine that person does not deserve or desire love, caring, friendship and a shoulder to cry upon in hard times. Of course, these men will claim black women are strong, aggressive and send a message that "they don't need a man." That claim is really just an excuse. A man who says that has already made up his mind NOT to be in it for the long haul with that black woman.

But to be fair, not all white women are the image I have described. But the ones who fit this image know exactly what they are doing. The men who accept this manipulation are part of the continuing problems of racial division in this country and of course, not all men do this. Again, the ones who do, know what they are doing.

Can this be fixed? If so, how? My opinion on the issue is simple, when men of all races treat women of all races equally, this problem will cease. Basically, if a guy is a jerk to a black woman, please, by all means, be a jerk to the black women too! Hooray for continuity!

One good example of a man who treats his black woman as she deserves is our new president. I have seen nothing but loving images of them. I hope that continues.

I also am very proud to see Michelle Obama as our future first lady. I know her image will help erase the very wrong and stereotypical image of the "ghetto hoochie-mamma." Black women are not second to white women and should never be treated as such or viewed in that manner. However, to ignore the fact is turning a blind eye to the obvious.

White women like their position of power in our society, even while feigning weakness and plotting their manipulations. White men before Affirmative Action never wanted to share power in the corporate world. Affirmative Action forced change in the business world but it can't cause a change in social attitudes. Hopefully, the images of a successful, intelligent and beautiful black woman will help knock sense into these men's heads.

Views

Anyone who knows me knows that I like strange images. I like the fact that they may seem normal but when you take a good look you realize something is either completely off or just a bit surreal...like the image to the left. At a glance you see people working on what may be a balcony roof, some on top, others working on the bottom. A closer look reveals that the balcony seems to magically twist or morph into the floor for the workers under the balcony. A structure such as this could never exist in reality.

This photo is how I tend to view certain relationships. At a glance, the relationship seems normal even great but a closer look and you realize things are twisted and just unreal.

My husband keeps telling me that I felt our marriage/relationship was going well. He says I wanted things to continue 'as they were.' I was just so desperate to keep my husband that I ignored the obvious problems of the relationship. I realize this is his view of me in our marriage. He sees what he wishes. No matter how twisted and wrong I may think his view is, the view remains his.

I view our marriage like this photo, at a glance it appears normal, even commonplace. Give it a closer look and you will see the twisted reality that would set in motion disaster and collapse.

I am amazed that he could have this view, despite my actions to fix the mess that was our union. But there are many who would also look at that photo and say they see nothing wrong, nothing twisted, nothing strange or surreal. There are people who see what they want and refuse to see reality. If you reject reality enough, you leave denial behind and enter the realm of mental illness.

There were some huge flags that told me the meter was ticking out on my marriage. It dumbfounds me that any person would believe I wanted the status quo to continue...and I had the marriage counseling bills to support my desire for change.

One conclusion I can draw is simple, it's easy to believe something that supports one's own delusion or opinion. Saying one's spouse was blissfully blind to the reality of a bad marriage, that's why the other spouse left, gives huge justification to the action. To accept that the other person was working on fixing issues but YOU decided to throw in the towel without a fight shines a nasty light on yourself. It's like peeling back the curtain to reveal "The Picture of Dorian Gray." No one wants to see the ugliness of their own soul but for some people it's the only path to their salvation.

Autism, me, the kid and the ex

With Obama winning the White House one may think my life is sailing along quite well...at least for a short time. Well, it was for a short time but then reality has a way of crashing through again.

One developmental exam later and my son has been diagnosed with the most popular explanation for developmental delays -- Autism. It's true he twirls string, repeats phrases, has limited speech and probably a few other symptoms but a person still must wonder about such a diagnosis. It IS the most popular explanation and now I hear it can not be accurately diagnosed until about the age of 7. My son is 4. A woman at an Autism meeting I attended has a 2 year old with the diagnosis. I immediately thought...TWO!!! How can they know at the age of TWO!?

So, taking their word on it, I now qualify for various services to help my son 'make it' in the world. It's a complicated and stressful road to travel the bureaucracy of the special needs child. The one thing I have learned right off is, apply first, see if you qualify later. If you qualify, TAKE IT! Most programs have a 'use it or lose it' attitude. In the midst of all this, there are still other things to care for...me for instance.

Since several things have happened between me and the ex that I have not and will not share on here, he is not really around to take our son. By default, I have precious little free, adult time. The good thing about all these Autism resources is they do offer respite care for children with special needs. I can't imagine anyone putting their child with special needs with any old teenager.

The ex, well, what can one say. He's more worried about trivial matters than what his son needs. There are moments of clarity but mostly, he is focused somewhere else.

So, now I have a lovely 'Autism Awareness' car magnet that shall be slapped to my bumper...one day. It's amazing what others have experienced and what I have seen already. Life can throw you a turn and a twist sometimes. It would be nicer, easier if I had a partner to navigate this world but I will continue to do my best. It's all a person can do.

Obama wins...and Palin is 'hit by a bus'

OK...anyone who has read my blog knows I have been an Obama fan from pretty far back. Still, I am amazed, stunned and very proud that he won. It's an awesome victory and brought me to tears. I have -never- felt that much emotion over a presidential election...not even for Clinton!

Honestly, I would have loved for Hillary to be where Obama is now. I really wanted her to be president. I know many hate her but I like the woman. Hey, there's no accounting for taste. LOL!

As for John McCain...I think the campaign drove him a bit nutty. He did things during the campaign that I don't think he would have done otherwise. He is an honorable man, for the most part...I disagree with his calling Koreans 'gooks'. His speech was sincere and should be a unifying force for the months to come.

Palin...hmmmmm...it's been recently said that she didn't know Africa is a continent, she thought it was a country. True or not her other fumbles were enough to convince me that she had no business in the White House as anything other than a tourist. However, the way the McCain camp has thrown their once 'Golden Girl' under the bus is disgusting. McCain has been honorable in defeat but the rest of his camp are all blaming Palin. She's not perfect and I don't like her at all but SHE is not fully at fault for the loss.

This was an exciting election cycle but I'm glad it's done. Now, if I were tapped to advise President Obama, I'd tell him to choose a path for economic recovery that will fulfill his promises and keep our nation strong, end this un-ending war, carry your head high even (or especially) when you make mistakes. DO NOT get yourself a 'Monica.' Also...pick an American Pit-Bull Terrier for the White House puppy. Why? Because like black men in this country, they have had TONS of bad press that is undeserved.

Nit-picking

For whatever reason I have forgone my better judgment and began reading some comments from people (white people) who are not in favor of Barack Obama as president. While it's easy to label them all racist and move on, I was just curious as to the arguments given to NOT support Obama.

I'm a Democrat, that's not a secret, but when I criticize a Republican candidate, there is usually substance to my criticism. I don't like McCain because I disagree with his policy to reward the rich with tax cuts on the backs of the poor and middle-class. I also have a problem with his reference to Korean people as 'gooks'. Don't take my word, read it yourself here. I know he is talking about the Koreans who tortured him but that is no excuse...besides, we all know if a person instantly resorts to a racial slur in anger, there MUST be racism in that person's heart.

I think these are valid, solid reasons to NOT support McCain...your mileage may vary.

Back to my readings...someone said Obama probably couldn't pass a U.S. Citizenship test, nor could he be cleared to work for the FBI or Secret Service. These 'reasons' to NOT vote for Obama are simply bogus. These 'reasons' imply that Obama is too dumb to pass that test and he must be a criminal because he can't get a security clearance. But let's take a closer look at both comments.

The U.S. Citizenship test is -VERY- difficult. I've heard this from people planning to take the test. An example question is, "Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me death'." I know the answer to this question because I had to do a paper on this guy in 3rd grade. Most people don't remember American history assignments from 3rd grade. That was Patrick Henry, by the way.

Other questions are, "When was the Constitution written?", "Can it be changed?", "What are the qualifications to become president?"

Obama has a J.D. from Harvard. This fact does not mean he could easily pass this test but it does mean the man is intelligent.

On to the security clearance issue...it's an unfair criticism. The person was not saying Obama couldn't get security clearance, she said he could not be 'cleared to WORK for either organization.' There is a huge difference. To work in law enforcement requires much more than not being a criminal. A person needs the personality for such work. Many people could not be cleared to work for the FBI or the Secret Service. That's why such jobs are so prestigious. Many can't work for the IRS, where I work, because of mistakes made as a youth. The background check for this work is -extensive-.

However, not passing a background check for a job does not automatically make a person a criminal or untrustworthy. The checks go back -several- years, usually to a time when you felt whatever you were doing wasn't 'a big deal'. Or, sometimes the person is NOT the real issue, but he/she associated with another who is a security threat. Still, knowing a person who makes bad choices isn't illegal.

This is why I say these reasons are nit-pickings. If you don't like Obama, at least give a valid reason. Say you don't like his tax plan or you agree he is 'untested'. These bogus reasons do show a type of racism, IMHO.

Throughout history, black people in American have had to be better in every way to get ahead. Blacks have had to convince whites that they can do the job better than the white person trying for the same position. Many times, the whites who still don't like that black person will resort to nit-picking and fixating on some trivial crap to justify their racist decision. If you don't think a black man can run the country, just say that. Don't resort to nit-picking over trivial details that have no bearing on the person's ability to do the job.

BTW, passing the citizenship test or being able to work for the FBI or Secret Service are NOT required to be president. Technically, ALL candidates for president and VP meet qualifications for president...which is scary when you look at Sarah Palin!

Economic mess

Where is our country heading? So many are against the bail-out money and God knows I wish there was another way but I worry that there isn't. Greedy, rich people have a way of taking down the ship in a crisis. We have so much tied to the motions, whims and movements of rich people that when they stumble, we all take a hit. This time the hit will be $700 billion.

That's a lot of money no matter who gets it...or pays it. Still, in order to avoid a bigger banking crisis, we have to do something. I don't have a better solution, I'm just hoping the one proposed is a good one.

At the same time I have asked myself many times what will be the demise of America. All civilizations fail sooner or later. Some recover, others don't but no one can stay on top forever...just look at Russia. We can go on and on about factors that contribute to the rise and fall of nations but the one thing we have to realize is that they do rise and fall. America is not so great that it can't fall into the muck.

So while I'm hoping our political leaders can figure a way out of this mess, I also worry that there may not be a way out of this mess.

Running off with the circus...

Ok...taking a break from politics today to just talk about how much fun I had at Ringling Bros. circus performance of "Bellobration!" Before I go on, I will acknowledge that many are afraid of clowns. Many think they are stupid. Many think they aren't funny. Many think clowns are just annoying performers who are there to distract you while the work staff changes the circus sets. Well, some and all of that is true...but...I'm revising my dislike of clowns after seeing this performance.

I have to admit, I've never had a dislike of clowns. I never really thought they were funny either but I was never afraid of them, nor did I hate them. They were just people to help the time pass during the show until something I liked took center ring. My attitude about them began to change when I worked at Kemper Arena as an usher and the circus came to town.

Unlike many people, I have a long family tradition of attending the circus. We went when I was a kid to several shows while they were in town. This is because we were so poor that Ringling Bros. gave us free tickets to multiple shows. The tickets were available at the community center or through school. We got free shows -every- year and that developed my love of the sights, sounds, silliness and all that the circus brings. It was also a few hours to forget that we needed food stamps and welfare to live, that we lived in public housing and some of our family friends were heroine addicts.

Last year I began the family circus tradition with my son. He LOVED it! This year, we attended two shows, once with his grandmother and the second show with just me.

Bellobration is a show devoted to 'Bello' the acrobatic clown. He is AWESOME and that's his real name...Bello Nock. The photo of him makes him look a bit weird but in fact, well, he is a bit weird but also a comic daredevil. He participates in almost every aspect of the circus from tightrope walking, the wheel of death, and his signature 90-foot tall sway pole act. He is a fantastic athlete and a superior entertainer...and he's funny while doing it. Every move he makes seems effortless and he's smiling and laughing while doing it...amazing. And yes, that is his real hair too.

So while the political situation in this country is a mess and the economic state of America is even worse, it was good for me to take a few hours and forget all that. It was fantastic that this weird redhead with the super strong legs and never-ending smile could brighten my day so much that I was cheered up all week. My son is still asking about the circus and I have to tell him the circus went 'bye-bye...but they will come back soon!' I hope he never outgrows loving the excitement and fun of the circus, just like I never did. It would be awesome to run off and tour with them....at least one year. Maybe one day....