Duran Duran still rules!

I remember when I became a Duran Duran fan. I was entering high school and heard the song "Girls on Film." It was a catchy song and I liked the opening drum beats. It was the early 80's.

Little did I know at the time that I would join the millions of girls worldwide as what affectionately became known as "Duranies." There was a time when I knew all their weights, heights, the order their songs played on an album, the album titles (including several imports) and the names of their pets and girlfriends. I had several buttons of them and I wore them all, all the time to the point that the buttons on my jacket actually weighed more than the jacket itself.

I've attended several concerts, even in their later years, and I just think they are great...still. As a true fan, I had a favorite; John Taylor. If you look at his photo, do you really have to ask why? He's over 6' tall, nicely built, has an award-winning smile, that square Superman-like chin, sleepy brown eyes and tons of musical talent. He is probably the most talented member of Duran Duran.

I have to admit, I haven't kept up with my group of choice in years but still, the love for them remains. Another blogger commented that the music of our youth stays with us through the years. What an insightful comment! It really does. The music brings back good and bad memories and emotions from years ago. The songs are more than just bouncy tunes that DJs of the past dismissed as rubbish. These were the songs and performers of our youth who spoke to us. Maybe not in such profound poetry as the performers of the 60s or 70s...well, really just the 60s (LOL!), but the songs were still meaningful.

When I hear "Save a Prayer" by Duran Duran, I do think of a passionate one-night stand but it also reminds me of the HIV/AIDS crisis of that time. "Hungry Like the Wolf" is the song that really endeared me to Duran Duran because Simon LeBon chases a black woman throughout the video. This was the first time I'd seen on film a white man driven crazy with passion for a black woman. She was the object of beauty and although she was presented as kind of an animal in the video, so was he.

It's somewhat laughable that their videos created such controversy at the time...well, "Girls on Film" WAS pretty fetish-filled. Still, Duran Duran was also underrated, just like many 80s bands and other performers...yes, Adam Ant too. The best thing about their declining fame is it appears it may be easier to meet them one day...finally!

Ant Music

Lately, memories of the 80's have been populating my thoughts, specifically about a young guy named Adam Ant.

I'd honestly forgotten just how much I adored this guy. OK, he dressed like a cross between a pirate and a Native American, bounced around stage like he had ants in his pants and sang lyrics that were not exactly poetic literature, but he was fun...and underrated.

For all his style and frolicking about, he did have hits and an amount of staying power that beat out other 80's performers. Looking back on that time, I would have placed money of Spandau Ballet to continue over Adam Ant. I liked quite a few performers but I was also very aware that the flash could easily disappear and take Adam along. Mr. Ant even spoke about that in the song "Goody Two Shoes." Never being a fan of the media, he warns, "Look out or they'll tell you you you're a superstar, Two weeks and you're an all-time legend, I think the game has gone much too far..."

What I find amazing, sitting here in my 40's, is that I totally expected to no longer be attracted to -any- 80's singers anymore. Alas, I was wrong. Adam Ant, even slightly heavier and bald is still a VERY sexy man. That goes double for Mr. John Taylor of Duran Duran. Even Thomas Dolby, who is being sold as a "one-hit wonder" these days on VH-1, is still pretty cute and sexy without hair and several years later.

But the best thing about this realization is, the ability to express it without a ridiculing comment from others nearby. For whatever reason, and an even more baffling thing that I tolerated it, my husband took great joy in insulting my musical tastes. Of course he claimed it was just joking but I know differently now. Jokes don't hurt feelings, they are supposed to be funny.

This goes back to acceptance. Although I loved Adam Ant with his outrageous look, my friends in the 80's accepted that from me. In fact, they expected me to be "in love" with the latest British Invasion performer wearing make-up and leather or ruffles. That was/is a part of my uniqueness and it is unfortunate that the man I married chose to mock this quality instead of embrace it...of course, this is partly why we are no longer together. I never asked him to like my music, just accept that I did.

Little initials + your name = smater than others

Lately, when people who know about my son's Autism diagnosis begin to drill me with questions, I've been giving the same reply. Here's an example of such a conversation.

Questioner: "How can they say he has Autism. Look at what he's doing now. That shows intelligence, imagination and he is NOT secluded in his own world."

My reply: "Because a person with little initials said it IS a symptom of Autism and because he/she has those little initials, he/she is smarter than we are. The little initials means that other person can slap a label on others, labels that can profoundly change the course of another person's life."

That response usually frustrates the questioner into silence. Then I have a thought of, welcome to MY world.

I would hope most parents never have to experience such a thing with their child...to have a person with a piece of paper telling you about your child's "defects". There is such a strange moment when you realize this person has concluded that your child will not do A, B, and C, and the child is destined for this, that and other things. The initialed person makes this conclusion usually in less time than the mother took to bring the kid into the world through labor.

So after you receive one of these life-altering diagnosis and you have repressed the feeling to run naked and screaming through fresh snow, then there is the learning. The initialed person may point you in a direction but he/she certainly won't take you by the hand and go there with you.

As a parent, you must take the initiative and be an advocate for your child. Never take what others say as your child's limits. Accept the child as-is but also have goals set. Help the child move forward because honestly, the kid has no idea what he/she can and cannot do. I think this is how so many handicapped children achieve things doctors said they never would.

Nothing is easy about this but nothing worth having is ever easy.

"Falling" in love

I've heard people say that dozens of times, "I fell in love..." I've probably said it a few times too but now I think the whole phrase is just inaccurate.

When people say that, I can only guess they really mean what they say. But look at the verb closer, the word "fell." It is the past-tense of "fall," meaning you are already in love. But when we say "fall/fell," what does that word mean?

Webster's Dictionary has several meanings for the word, including to suddenly go from an erect position involuntarily and to die in battle. But I am certain when people say they fell in love they mean to pass suddenly and passively into a state of body or mind or a new state or condition. That is the "official" definition of someone's statement, "I fell in love."

I tend to disagree because many times love is not sudden or passive. When we are seeking love, we intentionally move in that direction. It is a gradual journey that is neither sudden or passive.

To elaborate, a couple could be dating for years but never be in love. Many times this is because one or both in the union have decided the other has a quality that is somewhat intolerable. I do not mean something petty like the girl's hair is too long or the guy scratches himself too much. I mean things like, he or she does not want children and the other does. In a situation like this, people make a decision to NOT fall in love. They may love that person, but it is not the traditional sense of falling in love where you are just goofy for the other and ignore faults. Still, no amount of love will make such a couple commit and marry. They find themselves in a holding pattern until someone better comes along...kind of like in the film "When Harry met Sally..."

So, I believe when people go goofy for each other and actually fall in love, the act is really a decision. People see their partner's flaws but a choice is made to "live with it." That snoring is not so bad because she/he is so wonderful with everything else. The lack of romance is not so bad because he shows love in his own special way. Her clinging to me like wet linen is not so bad because that is just her way of saying she loves me. Would it not be fantastic if those flaws did not begin to grate on your nerves as the years go by. It is the rare couple indeed that does not experience this slow march from love to annoyance.

So I would argue with Webster's that "falling" in love is neither passive or sudden. We pick people we want to love then go about ignoring various flaws to help ourselves love that person. That is a deliberate decision and there is nothing sudden about it. But even such a beginning can create long-lasting and loving relationships. The collapse of a marriage happens, in some cases, when one or the other can no longer ignore flaws. A GREAT example of this is in the film "War of the Roses."

Loving another and committing to a life together can be a wonderful, fantastic feeling...but it is neither passive, nor sudden. Even the so-called "whirlwind romance" is deliberate and planned...to a certain extend. But when love dies, especially for only one-half of the union, it is hard to believe/understand what you did to kill the love in the other person. The simple answer is you did nothing. The other person moved away and in many cases you did not push. You were being you while she/he realized your so-called "flaws" were too much to handle.

Judging Autism

After receiving the diagnosis of Autism for my son, I guess I am becoming less tolerant of the judging stares people give. I saw a documentary on Autism and it appears many other parents feel that same sting of judgment.

When others see a child of school age in a pull-up, the assumption is that the mother and father are doing nothing to toilet train the child. People assume the child is running the home and the parents just are not taking control of the issue. I've heard I should just find an older "grandma" type of care provider...oh yes, make sure she's Black...and my son will be potty trained in a day. Or, just throw away or give away all the pull ups and VOILA! He will go to the potty when he decides he does not like the mess on his body.

These ideas may work for a child who is not Autistic but not always on the Autistic child. For whatever reasons, an Autistic child will have a meltdown instead of associating the discomfort with not using the toilet. The last thing you want to do is created an avoidance of the toilet.

Toilet training for an Autistic child is so difficult that there are books on the subject. Still, the most annoying part of any of this is the judging eyes from others, even children. Kids are told to be a "big boy/girl," they have to use the potty. An Autistic child will not respond to this source of shame. Autistic kids just do not care about that big boy/girl issue.

What people do not understand is Autism, to the untrained eye, is a hidden disability. Unless you recognize symptoms, the average person just sees a child throwing tantrums for no reason. There is a reason, we may not know it, but there is a reason.

The frustration an Autistic child feels when he/she can not communicate is very real can drive them to react with a tantrum. With Autism reaching epidemic levels, people really should learn the symptoms of this disability instead of passing judgment on parents.

Clarification

After taking another look at my recent post, I concluded that some, erroneously so, may conclude I have some race issues. Quite the contrary. Some of my best friends are white women...just not the type of white woman who has ever used crying as a manipulative tool...well, at least not in front of me.

Let's face it, any woman can use tears to get her way depending on the situation and the target of the manipulation. It becomes ugly when she uses it regularly and feigns weakness in the process but her true intentions are to control the situation. When one pretends to be weak but is actually taking a position of power, that's called passive-aggression.

According to WebMD, passive aggression is "apparently compliant behavior, with intrinsic obstructive or stubborn qualities, to cover deeply felt aggressive feelings that cannot be more directly expressed."

I have seen women cry, pretend to comply with whatever made them cry, then turn around and do whatever it takes to obstruct what they just agreed with. This usually comes with an attack that if that other person had just been nicer, she would have tried harder. We know that claim is BS but hey, what cha' gonna do? Such a person is so wrapped up in herself that when she does not get her way because YOU had the nerve to need/want something, it is YOUR fault when SHE messes things up for you.

This behavior is not limited to white women, of course not. Anyone can be passive aggressive. Speaking from personal experience (and what other experience would I have? :) ) no sane person deserves to be romantically involved with a passive aggressive "partner."

One first observance is, he/she will never be your partner, not in a true sense of the word. While you blissfully walk through life believing he/she is by your side, that person is plotting ways to NOT cooperate. But wait you say, he/she said it was a great idea. You are fantastic for thinking of that vacation, that outing, that party at the house. It appears to be moving well until the time comes for the event and then your "partner" suddenly has this or that to do. The idea is still great but he/she suddenly has to get the car washed or any other obscure task to avoid the event. If you press the issue, suddenly this is YOUR fault because he/she was simply trying to make you happy by complying. Resentment builds in this "partner" until he/she feels justified in attacking you in various emotional ways.

However, I would never ask someone to simply take my word for this existing. MedlinePlus has a list of symptoms of passive aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, many look very familiar.

This sounds crazy, and at one time this condition was listed as a mental disorder, but these people know what they are doing. I'd like to think people who are mentally ill are somewhat clueless about their behaviors. I think passive aggressive people are clearly aware of their behavior and its effects. They spend so much time pretending to comply and avoiding the truth while simultaneously sabotaging everyone else that they have to be aware of the damage. This is why they are so adept at "acting sullen." If they jumped for joy after creating havoc, people would see their true nature and avoid them like the plague.

White women, Black women

I had a talk with various influential people in my life about a subject that I pretty much knew the answer to already. The conversation came up out of curiosity and general annoyance with men...well, some men anyway. The subject is simple on the surface but infinitely complicated if examined...white women and black women in our society. The question was deceptively simple, "Why do men, ALL men, tend to treat white women better than black women?"

My very wise informer said it was a hold over from slavery. Basically, black women were sex objects and got used. Black women were impregnated by men, both white and black, then left to raise children alone. White men were usually their owners so the black woman had no say in the sexual encounter in many cases. Sometimes sex was mutually desired but if the woman was a slave, she raised biracial children alone. In some cases, a black man would impregnate the black women because that was his "job." In a slave marriage, a black man could be sold. The result was the same, the black woman was alone with children fending for herself.

By contrast the white woman was seen as the ultimate jewel. She was a beautiful thing to behold and should be cared for and loved. She has the luxury of depending on a man to care for her, keep her from harm and when she falls, he (whether black or white) is there to help her up.

Still, when confronted with conflict, problems and challenges, the white woman will turn to her master weapon of manipulation...tears. Why do white women, many affluent white women, fall into a quivering, shaking ball of manipulative tears or bawling at the slightest sign of a problem? The tears can be followed by many other manipulative devices; guilt, sex (either giving or withholding), silent treatment, which ever tool works best. These tools (with sex being a possible regular exception) are used on both men and women regardless of race. But why? Because it works! Men will fall all over themselves to help a crying white woman while turning a deaf ear to the wails of a black woman.

Other white women, I think in recognition of the tools' use, will flock to the aid of their manipulative comrade while many black women sit back and wait for the knife to their backs. Once a white woman's tears fall, the black woman can expect to be thrown under the bumper of a fast moving bus. This is the sentiment of another blogger I've read...another black woman who isn't exactly thrilled by white women tears.

I thought about that image and said it is a very sad fact that American culture has accepted the devaluation of a group of women based just on color. I am amazed that any man would look at brown skin and determine that person does not deserve or desire love, caring, friendship and a shoulder to cry upon in hard times. Of course, these men will claim black women are strong, aggressive and send a message that "they don't need a man." That claim is really just an excuse. A man who says that has already made up his mind NOT to be in it for the long haul with that black woman.

But to be fair, not all white women are the image I have described. But the ones who fit this image know exactly what they are doing. The men who accept this manipulation are part of the continuing problems of racial division in this country and of course, not all men do this. Again, the ones who do, know what they are doing.

Can this be fixed? If so, how? My opinion on the issue is simple, when men of all races treat women of all races equally, this problem will cease. Basically, if a guy is a jerk to a black woman, please, by all means, be a jerk to the black women too! Hooray for continuity!

One good example of a man who treats his black woman as she deserves is our new president. I have seen nothing but loving images of them. I hope that continues.

I also am very proud to see Michelle Obama as our future first lady. I know her image will help erase the very wrong and stereotypical image of the "ghetto hoochie-mamma." Black women are not second to white women and should never be treated as such or viewed in that manner. However, to ignore the fact is turning a blind eye to the obvious.

White women like their position of power in our society, even while feigning weakness and plotting their manipulations. White men before Affirmative Action never wanted to share power in the corporate world. Affirmative Action forced change in the business world but it can't cause a change in social attitudes. Hopefully, the images of a successful, intelligent and beautiful black woman will help knock sense into these men's heads.