"Falling" in love

I've heard people say that dozens of times, "I fell in love..." I've probably said it a few times too but now I think the whole phrase is just inaccurate.

When people say that, I can only guess they really mean what they say. But look at the verb closer, the word "fell." It is the past-tense of "fall," meaning you are already in love. But when we say "fall/fell," what does that word mean?

Webster's Dictionary has several meanings for the word, including to suddenly go from an erect position involuntarily and to die in battle. But I am certain when people say they fell in love they mean to pass suddenly and passively into a state of body or mind or a new state or condition. That is the "official" definition of someone's statement, "I fell in love."

I tend to disagree because many times love is not sudden or passive. When we are seeking love, we intentionally move in that direction. It is a gradual journey that is neither sudden or passive.

To elaborate, a couple could be dating for years but never be in love. Many times this is because one or both in the union have decided the other has a quality that is somewhat intolerable. I do not mean something petty like the girl's hair is too long or the guy scratches himself too much. I mean things like, he or she does not want children and the other does. In a situation like this, people make a decision to NOT fall in love. They may love that person, but it is not the traditional sense of falling in love where you are just goofy for the other and ignore faults. Still, no amount of love will make such a couple commit and marry. They find themselves in a holding pattern until someone better comes along...kind of like in the film "When Harry met Sally..."

So, I believe when people go goofy for each other and actually fall in love, the act is really a decision. People see their partner's flaws but a choice is made to "live with it." That snoring is not so bad because she/he is so wonderful with everything else. The lack of romance is not so bad because he shows love in his own special way. Her clinging to me like wet linen is not so bad because that is just her way of saying she loves me. Would it not be fantastic if those flaws did not begin to grate on your nerves as the years go by. It is the rare couple indeed that does not experience this slow march from love to annoyance.

So I would argue with Webster's that "falling" in love is neither passive or sudden. We pick people we want to love then go about ignoring various flaws to help ourselves love that person. That is a deliberate decision and there is nothing sudden about it. But even such a beginning can create long-lasting and loving relationships. The collapse of a marriage happens, in some cases, when one or the other can no longer ignore flaws. A GREAT example of this is in the film "War of the Roses."

Loving another and committing to a life together can be a wonderful, fantastic feeling...but it is neither passive, nor sudden. Even the so-called "whirlwind romance" is deliberate and planned...to a certain extend. But when love dies, especially for only one-half of the union, it is hard to believe/understand what you did to kill the love in the other person. The simple answer is you did nothing. The other person moved away and in many cases you did not push. You were being you while she/he realized your so-called "flaws" were too much to handle.