Selfish

For those of you who read this blog, you already know of some of my trials and tribulations in regards to ending my marriage. It has not been an easy road and it is not done yet. However, a certain second party in this dissolution suddenly feels the need to end it all. There is a sudden imperative urge to dump the wife (that being me) and bring in the new meat (that being the girlfriend).

Of course there is the claim that the divorce is just needed and it is not so this person can run off into the sunset with the new prize. This is an effort to help me, this is for my benefit, this is his heart finally realizing that avoiding the divorce for years is actually emotionally detrimental and out of the goodness of his heart, now is the perfect time to end the marriage...not about 5 years ago when he left his pregnant wife and constantly said he would return. Not even as recently as a couple years ago when he did move back only to plan another escape and not inform his wife. Now is the perfect time because he fears losing custody of the son he tends to ignore and neglect and losing the girlfriend who, after two years in that role, is tired of waiting for him to marry her.

While it is obvious to be rid of this man as a husband is totally a blessing, his sudden urgency is a moot and annoying point. I have so many other major issues in life: the health of my child, my own personal health, a stressful job, preparing my son for kindergarten...why NOW does he want to throw in divorce/child custody. It's an answer as simple as one word...selfishness.

This tactic of explaining how his act will benefit me is tried, true and very old. I know others have seen people do this but pull aside the curtain and you will reveal the truth...the so-called charitable act is really a selfish move by that other person. He has felt no charity for the past 5 years and now, most likely at the arm-twisting of an impending new spouse, he wants to grant me a "gift" of divorce. He claims this is between just us but the reality of the situation is there is a third interested party that he is trying to distract me from. I am supposed to pretend this woman does not exist, that she is not emotionally invested in trying to land my husband as her's, and I am supposed to ignore the bad effects both of their selfish attitudes have on my son...who I have been raising, alone, for the past several years while he pursues this new wife material.

Selfishness is a peculiar situation. It amazes me how another person can care so little about others and only act to satisfy their own needs...and sometimes even convince themselves that the act is for the benefit of the other person. The best advice I can give anyone is this, do not have a child with a person that you know will only act in his/her own best interest. That selfishness will eventually hurt the child you love and the other person will move on with little or no cares about the pain he/she has inflicted on you or your child.

Classmate

I have no explanation for why a particular former classmate has jumped from my memory into my present thoughts. I could understand such a leap if the classmate was a good friend but this girl was just the opposite. I have no fond memories of this girl at all and when I remember her, I wish I knew her full name so I could try and find her and just let her know how I feel. Of course, she probably does not remember me at all...that's the nature of such matters. She was very mean-spirited towards me and now she probably has no memory of these actions. I will carry those memories forever and I just wish I could let her know that her actions were unnecessary. If she did not like me, she could have just said it and that way I would have known to ignore her pseudo-friendliness.

But being honest and just saying, "I don't like you," is rarely the actions taken by a person who is hostile. What happens is, the person feeling the hostility is left to wonder what he/she has done to bring this hostility out. The other person seems to be, appears to be, a normal, rational human being and besides, "I" have done nothing to make this person made at me. Au contraire...yes you have if you look closer and examine the situation.

This girl who could not stand me (it was so obvious that other classmates asked what had happened between us) had her reasons to not liking me but they stemmed from a place that had nothing to do with me personally. Looking at her background...this girl grew up in a suburb, she is white, lived a very easy life as far as material possessions go and something I think I just realized is, she may have been very cliquey. You know the type...I'm in the clique, you aren't good enough to be in the clique so I'm going to be a bitch to you because I'm better than you. Also, this girl had never been around many black people...that has to factor in because living in the Mid-West, it ALWAYS factors in when speaking about petite, suburban white girls...especially the ones with blue eyes and blond hair.

I still remember the moment when I realized this girl was being evil towards me and I had done nothing to warrant the treatment. We were placed on a group project for college, me and two other suburban girls. THEY decided that we would meet at one of THEIR houses (they lived in the same neighborhood)...I would have to drive WAY out of my way for these meetings. THEY refused to meet on campus. When I went to study, this girl shot down every idea, thought, comment I gave to contribute to our so-called collaboration. So, the deal was, this girl and the other girl arranged the meeting times, place and all the work then planned on just telling me what I could/should do.

At the time, I was just totally put off by the situation. Today, I would have asked my teacher if I could change groups. If that did not work, I would have requested a change within the group. I realize now that this girl was hostile towards me because she is probably a racist. This black person did not know and would not stay in her place. This girl was definitely elitest...coming from the suburbs she felt this 'ghetto chick' was not an equal. On another level, she probably has low self-esteem because in my own way, I am very blunt and out-spoken at times.

The thing I am very proud of about this situation is that I did not quietly take that abuse. I rejected the two girls and studied on my own. I refused to drive to their neighborhoods because I honestly was not certain if my car would consistently make it home. This girl said, "You made it the first time." I replied, "If I don't make it another time, are YOU going to drive me home?" She refused by then attempted to destroy my credibility within our group. She planned a full group meeting, there were about 9 people in the total group, we were just a dysfunctional trio. She called me, did NOT give the whole information that this was a full group meeting and NOT just the dysfunctional trio so I refused to meet. This, of course, put a negative image on me to the group. But when I discovered it was a full group meeting, I made it clear that this girl did NOT tell me the importance of the meeting.

Still, I had the last laugh...I got a great grade on the project.

Thinking now, I think I know why she came to mind...there is a woman I met about a year ago and have kept in contact with. I could not for the life of me remember where I had met this girl. She was in my group on this group project...not the girl I have been speaking of, but a very nice woman who I remember being very nice. I had been trying to remember where I met her and I guess when you dig through old memories to find a good one, the crap pops to the surface as well.

Historic!

It's official, said and done! Barack Hussein Obama is now in charge of the United States of America. What an amazing, historic and inspirational moment in my life. As amazed and proud as I am, I can not imagine the feelings of those African Americans who lived through so much hardship.

My mom has said many times she never thought she would live long enough to see this day. I never pondered it that closely. I saw the images of the Civil Rights Movement on newsreels, in history books and in films re-creating those times. My mother lived through that era. She saw the images on the news. Growing up in a tiny town in Arkansas, she knew her place and did not dare challenge the status quo. African Americans were expected to be in certain places at certain times, meaning, she had better not be in a white section of town after nightfall. She better not talk to a white person unless he/she spoke to her first. She had to pick their cotton beginning from the wee hours of the morning and going on until nightfall. Picking cotton is back-breaking work and I freely admit I feel blessed to have never had this task.

Now, for the next four years, when an announcer says, "Here is a message from OUR president." A black man will take the podium. That knowledge makes me feel...finally...like I am really a part of this nation. There is a man in charge who has felt that sting of racism personally. He has seen the poor treatment of people of color but also the rejection of the poor. He has worked to help eradicate poverty and encourages us all to pull ourselves up. Not like Ronald Reagan when he said pull yourself up then cut programs to help. I believe Barack Obama will give us the methods to pull ourselves from the trenches.

The cheers, the support, the tears all say something positive...we believe in the hope and change Barack Obama has promised. Getting that support is half the battle. If the people want Congress to support our new president, we have the power to create change with our president.

As I watched Obama, I also marveled at the diversity on the stage. There were faces of all colors and some religions other than Christian. This was clearly seen during the musical number. Yo Yo Ma performed on cello, Anthony McGill on clarinet, Gabriela Montero on piano and Itzhak Perlman on violin. Ma is Chinese, McGill is black, Montero is a woman and Perlman is not only Jewish but also physically disabled. People may think these choices are random but they never are in such a situation. The image of diversity in that moment reflects what Obama has said all along, we all are equal.

Looking forward, I imagine a day when a Chinese person could be president. The changes to the inauguration would be fantastic. I think, how would a Jew change the ceremonies? Would a Latino call the event the inauguration fiesta? Would a Native American have the biggest Pow-Wow imaginable? Many other races live in America and we all have different customs deserving respect. This day opens the door to the real possibility that one day, the inauguration may have lion dancers, dragons, fireworks and could resemble a Lunar New Year event. This event may one day feature Folkloric dancers, or native drums. One day, there may be Polynesian dance and roasted pig. Our country is a diverse place and until today, that diversity was not well reflected in Washington DC. Change has truly come to America.

Coordination...

When your child's primary doctor gives you a special number for appointments, etc., you really have to ask yourself, "Is my kid REALLY that sick?"

What I've discovered is that your kid does not have to be "that sick" but only has to have the potential to be that sick. As I reflect this week on John Travolta's loss (I realize that sounds silly, I do not know him or his child), I think about the terrible sadness he is going through. He probably had a special number for his son too, since the child had a chronic illness.

Jett Travolta had Kawasaki disease and that led to his death. As people speculate about whether John Travolta held his son as the child died, or did he give CPR until the paramedics arrived or was it his fault that the child died because of Scientology, none of that changes the fact that this man is grieving over a terrible loss. I can not imagine how he feels and it brings to mind worries over my own son.

He looks healthy, he plays, he attends school regularly. He has the occasional colds and bumps and scrapes from rough housing. He is, for the most part, a typical boy...but so was Jett Travolta. How a kid can look "normal" and happy and have something inside him that can kill is amazing.

This also brings to mind my friend's child. He looks normal and healthy too, but also survived 7 brain operations. You would never know unless you shaved the boy's head.

Which brings me to the issue of coordination. To say it is over whelming to coordinate medical appointments, school, fun family time and sanity time for myself is an under statement. Even with the medical problems you can not forget this is a child with the same desires for play and fun as any other child. It is a challenge in organization to say the least.

So as I prepare my son for various medical tests, I can only hope and pray that his problems will be healed and he will go on to have a happy, long life. People with healthy children have no clue the emotional rollercoaster we ride working to keep our children healthy.

Who is the real fighting opponent?

Have you ever been in a fight with your ex only to discover part-way through the "negotiations" that you really are not fighting with your ex. There is an invisible opponent hovering over you both and the fight is really with that specter, not the ex.

That invisible person is the new "plus-one" in your ex's life and the demands and dictates of that person are coming out of your ex's mouth. This reality brings a whole new level of fighting to the forefront. Now, you are not only confronting the ex about the personal crap the two of you have lived, there is the added crap of the demands of a person you don't know and most likely don't like or respect. There is some invisible force fueling a fight you never wanted, intended or created...but the fight is here, you are in it and the person who caused it sits quietly and safely at their own home. This person is the one you are fighting and the person in front of you is simply a puppet.

I realize immediately that anyone who allows his or herself to be pulled and controlled like that by another is pretty pathetic but that does not stop such situations from happening. The new person in the ex's life tends to feel his/her needs and wants trump any of your needs and wants.

This situation creates a unique mine field to navigate. How do you fight a person who seems to have complete control over your ex, who in turn has the power to hurt your family, specifically your child. What do you do regarding a person who is pulling the strings of of your ex so well that your ex can ignore the love and adoration of a child in favor of satisfying the puppeteer? How do you deal with a woman who is so clearly selfish that she would weasel this weak individual into lying to his son for her own self gratification?

If all you know about a person is the horrible effects he/she has on another that you -must- deal with, how is it possible to have a positive view of this other person at all? That other person becomes nothing more than the enemy. The ex is a protective fool, blind to the facts that he/she has become nothing more than a delivery mechanism. He/she is delivering demands from the current bed companion to the ex, resulting in a fight that really should not be happening.

If this person were not behaving like a 'tool', there would be no fight. But in order to not be a tool, puppet or fight delivery mechanism, he/she has to buck up and tell the new buddy something simple...the old relationship is none of the new person's business. Of course, if the puppet could do that, the fight would have never happened in the first place...which means what for the person fighting the ghost?