Blame, taxes and Ferraro

A conversation I was having with a co-worker last week reminded me of why I don't discuss my failed marriage with very many others. Our society has come to an erroneous conclusion that when a relationship dies, both parties involved are equally at fault. Blame is applied to each person equally because, I've decided, people hearing the reasons for the break-up do not want the chore of deciding who is/was wrong. It's a pattern of thought the courts takes also.

More and more states, probably all by now, have "no fault" divorce. This means that the jerk-wad in a marriage doesn't have to face the errors of his/her ways during the divorce process. The person filing for divorce simply gets to claim the marriage is broken and can't be fixed. That person, male or female, does not have to say who broke the marriage, therefore a person who cheated, spent all the money, beat the other, etc., does not get punished by the courts for being morally wrong to the other. The courts have turned a blind eye to immorality in a marriage in order to expedite the divorce process. While this is good for the courts, it's bad for the innocent spouse and society.

The ripple effect of "no fault" divorce is that people in general actually believe both sides in a divorce are equally at fault for the divorce. I know from personal experience that this is just wrong. My ex cheated, abandoned the family and hid money during the marriage. We went to marriage counseling...he attended but never implemented the advice. If the situation wasn't focused on him, he wasn't interested in giving it a try.

When I speak of my bad relationship, I get comments like, "love is blind..." or "you had to know how he was before you married him..." I seriously protest that blanket statement. Love may be blind but it's not deaf, dumb and stupid too. Also, if everyone knew all the bad habits of their future spouse, most marriages would never happen. Those statements simply blame the person for the divorce when in fact, that person has no clue what the marriage was like.

My ex suffers from clinical depression. Since I took my vows seriously, I stayed with him, supporting him through his mental illness only for him to walk out on me when I needed him by my side. The "sucks to be you..." attitude I get from others tells me that they really have no clue what it is like to live with a person with mental disease. Depression is like walking through waist deep mud with a 150 pound weight tied to your feet. I would dread seeing this man I loved because I already knew anything I did was not going to pull him out of this oppressive sadness. What I didn't realize was that once he claimed to be over his depression, his attitude was all about self-satisfaction and therefore, that's what he sought. I didn't matter, standing by his side didn't matter, our son didn't matter either. He only cared about pleasuring himself and that's what he did. People who think divorce is about both sides being equally at fault really isn't paying attention to real life situations. Nothing is equal when it comes to love and war. If I had known that fantastic first date going to see Apollo 13 would move to a marriage with a man who refused to do anything with me at all, I never would have married him.

Taxes

The vote on the earnings tax here in Kansas City is set for April 5. Once again I find great disgust with this city. Advertisements are playing to people's fears instead of logic. I realize many political campaigns do this but I was lucky enough to NOT grow up in an area where this is common. I am even more disgusted by the ads questioning who is paying for the ads supporting the elimination of the earnings tax. Those ads play to the Kansas Citians' fears of people not from the city. I thought I imagined this when I first moved here but now I realize locals really do have a serious aversion to non-locals. This explains a lot.

This aversion to others must come from some historical basis but I have no idea what that basis is but it creates a problem. Kansas City seems to want tourists' money but not the tourists. It touts itself as being a destination place in the Midwest but at the same time doesn't really do much to promote reasons for a tourist come come here. Even while living here, there are events I have no idea are in town until the news says this is the last day. Kansas City is considered one of the birthplaces of Jazz...you wouldn't know it if you came here. 18th and Vine was allowed to horribly deteriorate, it's better now in part from a film crew that needed sets for a movie. Still, nothing is done to promote that district either locally or as a tourist destination.

Advertisements say the earnings tax is 40% of the city budget. Well, with or without that earnings tax, KC has problems. Businesses are leaving and so are people. The city's school district isn't even accredited, why would anyone want to raise a family here if their children can't get a decent education? On top of a bad education, you are paying extra from your paycheck just to live here and get that education. The city sputtering into a suburb and the so-called leaders seem to be clueless as to change that path.

Geraldine Ferraro

I remember when this woman became the first serious candidate for vice president. I was proud to see this happen but I was also painfully aware that many felt it wasn't "time" for a woman. It was time for a black man. Yes...at that time, I heard many say that and the black man they said it was time for was/is Jesse Jackson. Still, Ferraro was on the ticket, which lost by a landslide. She got some of the blame...some tax issues...but in all reality it was probably due to a combination of her taxes and Mondale's lack of charisma. Throw in the fact they were up against that Republican wet-dream Ronald Reagan and they never stood a chance. Still, I admired this woman for having the guts to take this leap into history. She will be missed.